What I want, need and must


Leg of lamb. Picture by: UnnarYmir

Three words do explain whether relationship is either future or past orientated.  It is about how your inner needs will interact with other people. Your needs are the basic precursor for what you want. Your need for food might surface as a pizza or at Christmas or as a leg of lamb. Your needs do determine your wants. If you are occupied and rigid in your wants you will be under the spell of the past, instead of being understanding of your basic needs that will bring you flexibility and acceptance for your wants. Understanding your needs will keep you content instead of being a prisoner of your wants.

When two people have something in common, then their needs will harmonize. They both will let their inner needs to govern their attitude but not focus on how their needs will materialize in wants and expectations towards others. As they do not impose their needs onto each other, then they want similar solutions and the future is theirs together. They will build a life based on hope and acceptance and their life will be full of anticipation and things they look forward to. Their willingness to accept and respect each other is based on their vision of their inner needs and fulfillment in a accordance to their partners needs. They understand and respect others contentment and find how much that contributes to their own contentment. They do not expect others to fulfill what they want.

When people do have differences in their understanding of their wants and how to realize what they really need then their relationship is under a strain. There is a expectation that one has to comply and fulfill the wants of the other. The strain from their wants will surface in a stubborn attitude and they will focus on the outward meaning of their wants instead of respect their inward need. That is how future will change inside the person and the attitude of the past will reign in the body and the mind of the person. And if the attitude of the past is allowed to reign in the relationship, then the question is for how long will this relationship last. The rule of the game theory and the finite is taken over in the relationship. People will soon find the irony in the relationship, the signs of burnout in their life and what once was a romantic relationship is turning into torture. Instead of looking forward to in their life, people start to be occupied by past issues in their life and what went missing.

So respect your inner needs and how it realizes as your wants. That is how you can inspire your actions to be flexible but not rigid and you need less to be content. By doing so you will get more out of relationships and have less strain on your personal life.

Focus on how you can maintain the attitude of the future inside you by respecting your inner needs, and not to go for the outer aspects of your wants as that will change your life attitude to being a past orientated and not future orientated. And of course if your wants are forced upon others must it will change your relationship to be past orientated instead of being based on hope and looking forward to.

Bjorn Vernhardsson psychologist